Where? Here. When? Now.

Prompted, of course, by the result of the United States’ election, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to make art that is of value. If I’m making politically-motivated art, aren’t I stuck between either preaching to the choir or trying to change the minds of people who will steadfastly refuse to listen to me? If I’m making entertainment, aren’t I contributing to the mass apathy that got us into this mess in the first place? Well, to a certain extent, yes. But there’s another part of me that knows that’s not all of it, that there is a way to find a middle ground, and that it’s worth trying to find.

I’ve been lucky enough to have found myself in a place right now where I feel incredibly safe and accepted, but the world is so much larger than whatever tiny part of it I’m standing on. As wonderful as it is to be here at this point in my life, it also means that if I am too lazy or apathetic or afraid to stand up and fight, I can get away with it. And that is not okay. I’d like to say I haven’t been getting away with it, that I’ve been fighting publicly for the things I believe in, but mostly I’ve been making vague statements about my supposed vales, and feeling totally swamped by all the things I don’t understand or know how to deal with. In the past I’ve often found myself romanticizing the notion of having some kind of clear-cut cause to fight for, as if historical movements weren’t just as full of difficulty and misunderstanding and grey areas as the ones we’re facing today. Everything is way cleaner in retrospect. I can look back on things people have done in the past and say I totally would have been a part of this or that had I been alive then — but that’s the thing, I’m alive now. I’m alive during this time, facing these issues, in this world as it is, and nobody is going to tell me what I’m supposed to do about it.

What I do know is that there is so much more I can be trying to learn, to educate myself about, so I can at least engage on some level with the world outside my front door. It is so so so so so easy to do nothing, to keep myself misinformed, disengaged, to pretend that everything is fine. The trick is to accept that there are no sides. It’s not “us” versus “them” because it’s way more complicated than that, and it doesn’t help anyone to turn your so-called enemies into monsters. They’re human beings just like me and we’re all just trying to figure it out. I have to remember that as difficult as it may be it is not in my best interests to close myself off to the people who will challenge me and my beliefs. It’s hard, but I’m trying.

As for the role of art in all of this, well, I’m still working on that, but I think I’m getting closer. I had the privilege of being able to volunteer with Bread and Puppet Theatre and be a part of their performance of Faust 3 for the past few days, and it was an awesome experience. It was like nothing I’ve ever done before and, things being as they are, it felt exceptionally relevant. Although their theatre is very activist/political, it’s rooted in a place of hope and belief in the redemptive power of art — cheap art, specifically, the kind that is taken off its pedestal and given back to the people.
Of course I don’t know whether or not that’s the answer, and I don’t know if that specifically is the kind of art I want to make, but I know for sure that trying anything is better than sitting here twiddling my thumbs and hoping that everything will turn out alright. I believe in rational faith: the balance between critical thinking and hope. I believe in community and love and trying your best to connect with everyone you come in contact with, even the people who disagree with you. I believe in good friends and good food and not taking everything so seriously all the time, but also knowing that sometimes things are incredibly serious, and that it’s important to make that distinction. I believe that deep down, as shitty as the world may be, people are good.

To quote WH Auden (and you can substitute poetry for whatever art you like):

“For poetry makes nothing happen: it survives / In the valley of its making where executives / Would never want to tamper, flows on south / From ranches of isolation and the busy griefs, / Raw towns that we believe and die in; it survives, / A way of happening, a mouth.”

Art can remind us of what we’re fighting against and what we’re fighting for. It can take us out of our isolation, our apathy, and open us up to the people around us. Art doesn’t make things happen, but it brings us to the places where they can. And now as much as ever, we need it.

Six Weeks in Montreal

“He wondered whether home was a thing that happened to a place after a while, or if it was something that you found in the end, if you simply walked and waited and willed it long enough.”
— Neil Gaiman, American Gods

 I moved in on August 27.

Classes started on September 6.

I didn't go home for Thanksgiving weekend — not because I didn't want to see my family, I do! But because I knew it'd throw me off. I'm just now finding my footing here. Things are starting to seem more real, solid.

For a long time when I first got here I couldn't shake the feeling that I was just visiting, that this was some kind of trip I was going on. Finding yourself in a new place takes time, but I think I'm finally starting to grow roots here (or at least heavier shoes). Thinking about it, I think I've officially passed the point where I could go home and have it feel the same way.

It's partly terrific and partly terrifying but I don't really have a place I can definitively say is my home anymore. I switched my saved "Home" location on google maps to my residence here because it makes it easier to navigate, but also in part because this is my home now. Or at least it's where I'm living for the time being.

Home in my head is how I refer to the house I moved out of in August. To the province I was born in. To the city I went to elementary and high school in.

But I know that things have shifted in a solid kind of way because now, when I go home (home back in Ontario) for Christmas, or for summer break once school's over, it'll be a transitory space, impermanent in a way it never was before. My bedroom will be the same as it was when I left, but I'll be different.

This summer, my home in Ontario will be the place I'm staying while I wait to go back to school. When school starts again, home will be whatever house or apartment I end up living in that year. Home is a point of reference — when I say I'm going home after class I mean I'm going back to my dorm room. When I talk about what it was like "back home" I mean the city I grew up in. When I say I miss home, I don't mean I miss a place at all. I miss that time in my life, the people I knew, the person I was.

Soon enough, I won't be able to say that my parent's house is my home anymore at all. I'll have my own place to spend the summers in, and my parent's house will be the place I'm simply visiting, a stop on my way to somewhere else.

I've never really had any desire to settle down and start a family, but the idea of home is something that's just kind of always been a given for me. I know where it is, that single point of reference. Now that I'm starting to realize that it won't exist for me for much longer I find myself trying to redefine what home is. It's not whatever place you're staying, and I don't think it's that Garden State quote about people creating a collective idea around a place together either. I don't think home is a place at all — or at least I don't think it should be. Home should be yourself. If you can become a full person, if you know yourself and are comfortable and proud of who you are, you can be at home within yourself, and you never have to be tied to one place because you are your point of reference. You are your home.

“Where does it all lead? What will become of us? These were our young questions, and young answers were revealed. It leads to each other. We become ourselves.”
— Patti Smith, Just Kids
 

Post-Festival Blues

LCD Soundsystem on the first night

Today's post is brought to you by my the giant balloon of pain and snot that my head has become — thank you so much, six-foot-four man who blocked my view of the Killers while periodically sneezing in my direction.

I went to the Wayhome music festival in Oro-Medonte from July 21-25 (the festival itself was 3 days but we got there the day before and left the day after). It was my second ever music festival, and the first one I had to camp at because I was there for more than one day (the first one I ever went to was Field Trip which was at Fort York in Toronto last year). It was absolutely incredible and I had such a good time, but let me just say, music festivals are nuts.

I mean honestly I don't really have any complaints other than the general physical discomfort of seeing The Killers on the last night, but damn there were a lot of people there. Food lineups were the worst — not to mention expensive...

I would go further here to make some kind of poetic point about the communal atmosphere of festivals and how incredible music is but I'm way too sick to do much of anything at the moment. As of right now I am eating curry soup and a heroic quantity of rice crackers and trying to pretend that I don't have to go to work this evening. My cold and working are the main reasons I took so long to write about Wayhome, but I also think I just had no idea how I could possibly express it in writing. If you've never been to a music festival, I highly recommend it (obviously they're quite expensive but if you consider the amount of concerts you're technically getting out of it, it's a pretty good deal). I also highly recommend seeing Arcade Fire live — they're not really on tour anymore so that advice is a little late but at the very least listen to some of their music. They are 100% my all time favourite band ever, and seeing them live was, pardon my language, fucking transcendent. They are so good I cannot even use all caps to fully capture how I feel about them holy shitting shit.

I saw a lot of artists/bands, most of them only partially as I went from stage to stage in between the acts that I really wanted to see all of, but the following is my sketchy unofficial list of my top 10 favourite acts:
**Note: this order isn't necessarily reflective of which bands I like the best, it's just a rating of the ones I thought were the best live (of the, admittedly limited, ones I saw)**

1. Arcade Fire

2. LCD Soundsystem

3. Stars

4. The Killers

5. Patrick Watson

6. The Paper Kites

7. Foals

8. Half Moon Run

9. Beirut

10. M83

Honourable mentions:
- A Tribe Called Red, who were amaaaazing but I only got to see for a few songs because they played during the only time I had to get dinner before going to see Arcade Fire.
- Unknown Mortal Orchestra, who were also terrific but I also only saw a few songs from because they played until 1:30am and I was exhausted and standing way too close to one of the speakers which I was pretty sure was going to kill me

AND NOW, PICTURES!!

The only picture I got of Arcade Fire because I spent the whole rest of their set trying not to die because of how good they were

Brandon Flowers of The Killers, while he was singing a cover of I Can't Help Falling in Love With You 

The crowd at Patrick Watson with sparklers during his last song

The Paper Kites <3

So yes, it was incredible, I got to spend time with a bunch of awesome friends of mine and see some stellar performances, and I do not regret a single second of it — even though I got sick.

The worst part, of course, is the week or so after it's over where you're still reeling about how great it was and how sad you are that it's over, but damn I'm glad I went.

Not sure where to from here. I'm hoping to get better soon so I can actually get on track with my whole sorting my life and routine out thing, but that's being put on hold for a bit while I get better. Sometimes the best way to take care of yourself is to let yourself off the hook.

Until next time,

- Ella

Pancakes and Resolutions

So I worked a 10-hour shift on Saturday from 2pm to midnight (the restaurant I work at was hosting a wedding), and seeing as I was about ready to shuffle off this mortal coil by the end of it, I decided that Sunday was going to be my official "day off". Of course, I still had to go in to work at 6pm that evening, but for me, days off are mostly about my mindset. I decided that I was going to be in no rush to do anything, I didn't have to get anything done, and god damn it I was going to be nice to myself!

Woke up at 11, had a shower, meditated, made some tea and a double batch of Lonely Girl Single-Serve Pancakes (yes, a double batch. I was hungry and these things are my lifeblood), and started The Broom of the System by David Foster Wallace. I got it as a Christmas present from my parents but I hadn't gotten around to reading it until now. I'm quite enjoying it so far — it's interesting to read after having read Infinite Jest around this time last summer. You can tell it's written by the same guy but it's got a kind of lightness that I never really got from IJ. I don't think they can be compared in terms of quality or anything (although, let's be real, there will never be another book like Infinite Jest) but I'm finding it cool that you can tell the difference in the age and maturity of its author at the time of its writing.

Back to my original point here though — that made for quite a lovely morning, but the rest of the day kind of devolved from there. I certainly wouldn't say it was bad; it was quite good, and I think days like that are sometimes necessary to keep me from going off the deep end, but by the end of the night I knew why I can't give myself days off every day over summer vacation.

I'm a person who relies a lot on structure. I'm trying to break myself of that, because on the whole it keeps me from going outside of my comfort zone and is generally not something one should be totally dependent on. It is, however, still important to have a certain amount of structure to keep from drifting aimlessly without purpose or ambition. I read Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving last month and one of the passages I keep going back to is this one where he talks about how to concentrate (concentration or mindfulness being prerequisites for loving, which is a prerequisite for being):

"... To get up at a regular hour, to devote a regular amount of time during the day to activities such as meditating, reading, listening to music, walking; not to indulge, at least not beyond a certain minimum, in escapist activities like mystery stories and movies, not to overeat or overdrink are some obvious and rudimentary rules. It is essential, however, that discipline should not be practiced like a rule imposed on oneself from the outside, but that it becomes an expression of one’s own will; that it is felt as pleasant, and that one slowly accustoms oneself to a kind of behavior which one would eventually miss, if one stopped practicing it" (emphasis mine).

The point of structure is not to force yourself into things. The point of habit is not to make those things unconscious. Structure and habit should be used mindfully so that you end up enjoying and wanting to do the things that you know you should do — and being conscious of the choices you're making when you do them. When I get stuck scrolling endlessly through instagram, or stay holed up in my bedroom all day watching netflix, I know I'm not doing those things because I truly want to. I know they end up making me feel awful, and achieve nothing good in the long run, but I do them anyway because they're habits. I've learned to make those choices, to do the things that make me feel good in the short-term, but I don't have to stay there. I can choose to unlearn them, and make new, better choices; better habits. And they don't have to be externally forced on me through strict rules or structures. I just have to agree to try to do something else, and become cognizant of when I'm slipping back.

So really what I'm getting at with this is that I'm making some resolutions. Some things I've already started (like doing more yoga and learning French and writing more regularly), and other things I've been planning on doing for ages but haven't really gotten to yet (like going vegan and submitting some of my writing to various places). But I wrote them down on a piece of paper, folded it up and put it in my journal, and as of right now* I'm agreeing to try.

Here goes nothing!

- Ella

*although the going vegan thing is a little tentative for now until I move out at the end of August — the plan is to try my best but while my parents are still mostly responsible for our household food shopping, I'm happy enough with them accommodating to my being vegetarian

Vegetarian-ing?

So, I've recently gone vegetarian - I've had various attempts at it over the past year or so but at 17 I'm not out of high school yet and still living with my parents, which means a lot of the time I end up eating what my family eats (as much as I want to go vegetarian, I feel bad about not eating the dinners my mum makes because then the food will go to waste, and I hate wasting food). However, I've been warming them to the idea of it and have been able to work around some things so that I've only really eaten meat three or four times this summer so far -- and now, as a kind of incentive to keep myself on top of this, and to get better at coming up with meal ideas that don't involve meat I'm going to be recording it all on this blog! So now, since I just started this and it's the end of the day, you just get to see my dinner - I'll hopefully do full-day recaps from now on (or maybe an end-of-the-week roundup or something).

And yes, it's probably weird that I eat dinner at 5:30, but I work from 6-10/11ish most nights so I have to eat something beforehand.

Dinner: Big Salad
Because salads are AMAZING

Ingredients:

- Lettuce

- Tomato tofu

- Raspberries

- Bocconcini balls

- Cherry tomatoes

- Salad dressing

I only had two of these left but they're really good on salads, or if you cut them up and melt them in a sandwich, yessss

Raspberries <3

Honest to god this is the best tofu EVER, I eat it all the time it's brilliant

Because I was too lazy to make my own vinaigrette and this stuff is damn good

And voila, the finished product. Eating salad always makes me feel like I'm being super healthy and good to myself, but let's be real I just love salad (if you do the exact same thing but take out the tofu, it's good as an addition to any other meal - I like having dinner salads though because it's better to not have a huge dinner - big breakfasts and lunches are the bomb

Bard’s Bus Tour | Driftwood Theatre Group | Hamlet

Celebrating more than 20 years of classic theatre on tour in Ontario. 

Shakespeare’s Hamlet, performing Jul 9 - Aug 16, 2015. 

Over the past two weeks, I’ve had the privilege of being a part of the “young company” of Driftwood Theatre Group, and have gotten to know many of the amazing and talented people that are a part of this year’s production of Hamlet. I saw the preview at Todmorden mills on Friday and it was excellent, and I’ll also hopefully be volunteering as an usher at a couple of the productions throughout the summer.

And now, why does all this matter to you? Well, if you live somewhere in Ontario, Canada, they could be coming to your hometown and you should definitely come and watch!

Want some reasons this particular production of Hamlet is worth your time? Here’s a list of 10 that I think are pretty compelling:

1.  It’s pay-what-you-can, so you won’t have to worry about being able to afford super expensive tickets
2. It’s outdoor theatre (which is always fun - but bring bug spray!!) 
3. The text they use is based on the scene structure of Shakespeare’s rarely-performed First Quarto (1603), and the textual content of the iconic First Folio (1623) – so it’s faster paced and more energetic than the classic 4-hour version, but the flowing poetry and text is mostly kept in tact (for anyone familiar with the “bad quarto”, don’t worry, the to be or not to be speech is, although shorter, kept pretty much entirely the same for the beginning of it) 
4. The cast is a great mix of established actors and emerging talent, and colourblind casting has ensured that there was no clinging to the outdated idea that shakespeare characters can only be played by white people unless they're explicitly stated to be otherwise (eg. Othello) -- many of the lead roles are played by people of colour.
5. Horatio is played by a woman, but they don’t use it to push any kind of romantic subplot 
6. It’s modernized, and not in a stupid or pandering way – it allows the characters to be even more clearly portrayed 
7. The set and costumes and stuff are really cool 
8. A quote from the show’s program about their purpose in putting on this play:
   “[there is] a correlation between the fictional environment from which Hamlet emerges … and our post 9/11 reality: societies dominated by the politics of fear. Pick up a paper, turn on the news: there’s Elsinore. Russia, North Korea, Islamic State, Central Africa, and more domestically the Baltimore and Ferguson riot - these are all events framed by, escalated by, or responding to a culture of fear. And although the impact of fear-based politics is perhaps more acutely felt in regions like the middle-east, Western Europe, or Asia, we certainly aren’t free of its effects here in Canada. In the wake of the controversy of our own government’s reaction to terrorism - Bill C-51 - we must understand that the politics of fear are being increasingly used not to justify our protection, but to maintain power and ensure a compliant public. Hamlet is not only a satisfying and thrilling revenge-play, it is an immediate example of the perils of nurturing the politics of fear. It could not be more relevant.” 
9. HAMLET IS ACTUALLY PLAYED LIKE HAMLET. He’s not some old dude, he’s played by a super talented 26ish year old guy playing a depressed college student because thAT’S WHO HAMLET IS. LIKE? Although David Tennant’s Hamlet, for example, is quite good, he’s still too old. He’s not some angsty manchild, he’s a scared and confused and upset kid who’s smart and competent and doing the best he knows how to in his given circumstances. 
10. And, honestly, it’s just a really well done show. Like if this wasn’t already apparent, I have a lot of Hamlet feelings, and a ton of the things that I think are rarely dealt with in other productions are brought full front and centre in this one. 

Sure, I may have a bit of a bias because of my association with the company, but I sincerely think that this is a wonderful and worthwhile production. TL;DR - GO CHECK IT OUT!!!

Where Have I Been????

So, I've basically been MIA online for the past two weeks, and that's because I was living downtown with my aunt (who has limited internet connection), and attending the "Creative Roots Theatre Training Intensive" at Driftwood Theatre Company. I won't go into much detail about the program itself, but it was an incredibly fun and rewarding experience, and I learned a ton and made some really great connections with theatre professionals (who are also some of the sweetest, loveliest people I have ever met).

Didn't take any pictures while I was there, but I went out to see fireworks on Canada day so I've got some pictures from that, as well as my incredibly successful play-haul at the used bookstore "Re:Reading" that I went to on Thursday -- I'm set for the rest of the summer!!

I'll be making a couple more posts over the next couple days to catch up for lost time on here, specifically an Infinite Jest liveblog update (I'm past the halfway point!), my "new words of June" which is now quite overdue, and a post about the production of Hamlet that Driftwood Theatre is currently putting on and that you should definitely see if you live in Ontario. My plan for this summer is to keep this blog updated and try and stick to some kind of content schedule so I don't only ever post one type of thing.

DAY ONE: All packed up, my copy of IJ in tow (it was too big to fit in the suitcase...)

The place we went to for fireworks had this whole little carnival thing set up, it was super cute

Didn't go on any rides, though, I get way too motion sick
(which sucks because I have no fear of them, they just make me throw up)

The view from my walk from the subway station to my aunt's house

Re:Reading has A+ bags

8 books, containing approximately 36 individual plays/short plays
I'M SO GOD DAMN PUMPED

Field Trip 2015

Field Trip is a two day music festival started by Toronto record label Arts & Crafts. It was the first music festival I had ever been to, and if it’s anything to go by, it won’t be my last. According to their website, Field Trip is “Toronto’s downtown community music and arts festival”, and it certainly fit the bill.

The first thing I noticed when my friends and I arrived there just past 1PM on Saturday (we were aiming for earlier, but that’s a long story involving cancelled subways, missed GO buses, streetcar confusion, and an overall inability to navigate downtown public transit) was the vast range of ages of the people there. I was only really expecting to see teenagers and twenty to thirty year-olds, but there were a ton of younger kids and older people as well. One of my favourite moments of the day was seeing this woman who was probably in her 70’s or 80’s getting really into dancing to Pins & Needles -- don’t let anyone tell you you’re too old to go to a music festival.

There was a lot offered for the really young crowd as well. Not only was the whole festival free for anyone under twelve (a 5’2” friend of mine joked that she should have pretended to be someone’s little sister), but they had a whole kids’ section with everything from bouncy castles to face painting, and an afternoon performance by the ever-cheerful Sharon and Bram. I won’t pretend I wasn’t at least a little jealous -- or tempted to run through the giant plume of bubbles that I passed by on my way to the TD Fort York Stage.

There were artists selling handmade pins and hats and and flower crowns, there was some kind of immersive technology game that I didn’t get a chance to check out because the line up was too long, apparently there was a stand up comedy show that I never got around to seeing either, someone was painting a mural, a couple of women were doing some pretty impressive hula-hooping, and that’s not even mentioning the food trucks! I had a portobello burger for lunch, which is essentially a hamburger except instead of meat it’s just one giant mushroom (I know, I couldn’t believe it either). Dinner was mac and cheese with gelato for dessert, and by that point I had to stop buying food or I wasn’t going to be able to afford the bus fare home.

Now, as much as I could spent the whole time talking about everything else, the most important part of any music festival, of course, is the music. I think the main thing I kept thinking about during the whole experience was that there was so much going on I’d never be able to see everything, but I managed to get to a hell of a lot. After seeing a great set by Pins and Needles at 1:30, we walked over to the other side and spent most of the time at the Garrison Stage. We lay down our blankets near the back of the field and ate lunch while listening to The Belle Game, and then moved right up to the front for the next act: From Jamaica to Toronto. We were pretty lucky in that we got to stay pretty close to the stage throughout the whole evening, as the crowd got bigger and bigger through De La Soul, The War on Drugs, Arkells, and finally the headliners for the night, Alabama Shakes. I wasn’t too familiar with most of the bands there, but not knowing all the lyrics didn’t stop the whole experience being pretty spectacular overall. Alabama Shakes were definitely my favourite, so thank you for that, Field Trip, I don’t know if I would have found out about them otherwise. Brittany Howard has a voice like you wouldn’t believe, and the whole thing was a perfect way to cap off a great evening. I think the sense of community in the audience was at its peak by that point, because I could almost feel the buzz in the air around me like something alive. Being shoved in at close quarters with a big crowd may have its downsides, but my god if there isn’t something magical about jumping up and down and cheering to the same beat as a thousand other people.

OCAD GradEx100

My school day today was spent downtown on a field trip to the Ontario College of Art and Design's 100th graduate exhibition. I was there with my 'media arts' class (a course I am only a part of because I dropped out of physics at the beginning of the semester and it was the only class left that I could take) which meant that three of the four hours I spent there were taken up by visits to two different art technology labs within the vicinity of OCAD. Without going into too much detail, one of them involved a guy who showed us a 3D hologram he had made of his own brain (don't ask), and the other involved a lot of waiting around while my teacher talked excitedly about interactive projections, and I really, really, really had to go to the bathroom. Suffice to say, by the end of it I was bored out of my mind and questioning why I had decided that going on this field trip was a good idea.

The best part of the day, though -- and what really made the whole thing worthwhile -- was the half hour I spent trying to see as much of the OCAD art as I could. After shovelling down a mushroom vegetable pie at the food court across the street (which was actually excellent), I ran over to the gallery building and started looking around. I'd never been in any kind of art gallery type situation alone before, so I had a crazy sense of freedom to look at whatever I personally wanted to for as long as I wanted to (as long as I got back to the bus by 1:40). I took the elevator up to the sixth floor because I had no idea where I was going and that's where the one other person in the elevator with me got off. The actual gallery spaces were large rooms branching off a couple of central hallways, some of which were scattered with high school type lockers that were a kind of stark reminder that all of this was taking place inside of a school. Given my limited time frame  I wasn't even able to see everything on the one floor I went through, but I loved what I did see.

At one point I ran into a class of seventh-graders, so that was interesting. They were all giggling about the nude pictures and daring each other to touch the sculptures they weren't allowed to. A ton of them were taking pictures with their phones of pretty much every piece of art there, too, to which my immediate reaction was one of disdain that I quickly realized was hypocritical seeing as the only difference between them and me was that I had a DSLR camera and a superiority complex. Which brings up the issue of whether or not you should be taking pictures of art. I think you can, but the problem comes in when you have to figure out where to draw the line between taking the pictures for so-called "good" reasons, like wanting to remember the pieces you liked or to share them with people who otherwise wouldn't be able to see them; and just taking pictures so that you can get likes on instagram or whatever, and whether or not taking pictures of art because of that is a "bad" reason. It's hard to say, really, because then you can get into the whole "art for pure aesthetic value vs. art that's saying something" debacle, and what the merits of each are or how you can define what's good or bad in art. I really don't know, but I took pictures of some of my favourite pieces and now I'm posting them on here, and on instagram, and on tumblr so that maybe people will like them and follow my blog or whatever and although my main reason for doing this writing certainly isn't based in that (as of right now nobody's following me, and this post is really long too so it's probably all just a shout into the void so does it matter?) but I've done it anyway. So I think it's mostly for a good reason. Or at least that's how I'm justifying it to myself.